Crazy Bicycle Guy

Posted 01:56 (GMT) 8th October 2007

I was walking to the pub one night. It was about 9:00pm. It was dark and a little chilly and I was walking by myself. I'm pretty familiar with the neighbourhood but some of its inhabitants are a little unfamiliar if you know what I mean. It's not the number one hotspot for crazies and weirdos in Leeds (that would be Woodhouse) but you never know. So I was walking to the pub, wrapped in my big black overcoat, keeping my head down and keeping myself to myself.

Next thing I saw this guy walking up the pavement in the opposite direction, walking towards me wheeling this sports bicylce, dressed head-to-toe in skintight lycra with a matching helmet and shades. As he passes me he says, and I quote:

"Oh, and I suppose you've got a knife too?"

He didn't phrase it as a question. This man knew I had a knife. I had no knife. But I performed that split-second calculation you make when walking alone at night and being accosted by strange men with bikes. When he said 'you've got a knife too' did he mean the last guy he walked past had a knife or did mean that he too had a knife? To this day I do not know the answer but as you can imagine I wasn't going to stick around to find out.

"Just walk away from me then."

I was reminded of a time I walked past a guy standing outside the train station asking the way to the train station and told him I didn't know the way to the train station. That guy accused me of walking away from him like he was "fucking diseased". The reality was I suspected he might be asking me directions to a place he knew the way to as a transparent precursor to an impromptu mugging. So when the guy with the bicycle shouted after me I stopped walking, fully aware that avoidance implied contagion. I stopped walking, turned around and looked at him. I suppose I was staring.

It wasn't an accusatory stare, I was simply incredulous. He implies we both have knives as I walk past him and expresses surprise as I keep walking down the pavement. Should I have stopped as soon as he spoke and given him a big hug just to test my knife theory? Should I have said, "Actually, you shall find I am quite unarmed. Defenseless, even." Bicycle man returned my stare and shouted what sounded like:

"I'm rich too, you know! Tell your people who I am!"

Of course, I don't have people. And I'm so broke I owe money to richer people than myself (and a government run by people who were educated for free). I decided to create as much distance between this nutball and my poignantly stabbable self and walked the hell away at a brisk pace bordering on running-speed.

"That's right! Run away!" he jeered at my retreating back.

Fair's fair - if I hadn't suspected he would instinctively give chase like a jungle cat I would have sprinted like a rabbit towards the safety of the pub.

This was all about two weeks ago. I have spent the time between then and now contemplating the frankly baffling exchange and I have come to three conclusions:

1. This man was certifiably insane

2. He was genuinely threatened by me (see point 1)

3. My encounter with him was at the same time the scariest and the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

And he might have had a knife. Then again, the same could be said for me, apparently. Well, he demanded that I tell my people about him. I racked my brains as to who this could have meant. I think he meant you. So, if you happen to see a crazy-eyed man in tight spandex (and holding a very expensive bike for a man who resents penniless oddballs such as myself for being rich) walking around late at night stay the hell away from him! I can't stress that enough.

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