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Rants
This
page is full of links to snarky and humorous essays I wrote when
I was younger and angrier. I'm still quite proud of these and I
stand by the opinion expressed in the most thoughtfully-written
ones. However, for the most part these rants were written for the
purposes of entertainment (or self-indulgence) rather than to accurately
express how I felt about the subject so in some places fairness,
even-handedness and truthfulness were deemed too boring and were
replaced by cynicism, bias and rhetoric. Sometimes a serious point
would lurk behind the posturing and mock-exasperation, sometimes
I was just being facetious. I'll leave it to you to decide which
is happening when. Some of these were written when I was 17, others
were written as many as 7 years later. If you arrange them in chronological
order you can practically watch me become a reasonable human being.
What
I'm trying to say is that you should take everything here with a
pinch of salt and a healthy sense of humour. The Happening
really does eat, though.
Webcomics
- Alternative
Comics
- Scott McCloud apparently rubbed teenage David the wrong way,
bless his sarcastic misanthropic heart - Read
it here
- In
Defence of Criticism - Why the webcomics community needs
'drama' - Read
it here
- Jess
Calcaben is a Dude - My
first brush with said 'drama', in which I needlessly act like
an utter asshole - Read
it here
-
In Defence of Criticism 2: Hitler Was Vegetarian - Scott
Kurtz says webcartoonists should ignore critics, inspiring me
to elaborate on my previous tirade. Also contains a potted review
of Misfile - Read
it here
- Our
Timmy
- My numerous and wholey futile tirades against the frankly hateful
Tim Buckley collected here for your entertainment - Read
it here
- Webcomic
Rants - Strips I have recommended or commented on but
too briefly to warrant their own page: Starslip Crisis.
Also Webcomic Haiku and the lamentable omnipresence of ninjas
- Read it here
Films
- The
Fantastic Four - Reviews of both the first film
and its dramatically superior sequel - Read
it here
- Notes
Made Watching Ghost Rider -
This film was so dumb I blacked out. When I came to this was scribbled
over a piece of paper stained with tears and specks of blood -
Read
it here
- Film
Reviews - Reviews too short to deserve their own page:
Spider-Man 3, Magicians, the Shrek
sequels, Ghost Rider, Good Luck Chuck, The
Golden Compass, Fido, Beowulf and I
Am Legend - Read
it here
- Cloverfield
- The Cloverfield hype machine and my review of the film
- Read
it here
-
'The Happening' is Also a Song by The Supremes - reviews
of 27 Dresses, Over Her Dead Body, Jumper,
The Spiderwick Chronicles, Charlie Bartlett,
Run Fatboy Run, Superhero Movie, Indiana
Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Iron
Man, The Incredible Hulk, 13 Going on
30 and The Crappening - Read
it here
- Jumper
- My thoughts on the stupid title plus the review reproduced for
your convenience - Read
it here
- Don't
See The Libertine - My
review of The Libertine, which can be summarised in one
sentence - Read
it here
- Jason
Segel Will Save Us All - Why
I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Read
it here
- Meet
the Hacks
- If there are two things I hate they're those stupid '[INSERT
GENRE] MOVIE' so-called 'parodies' and films with 'Meet' in the
title - Read
it here
- House
Bunny is Ruining Girl Geeks for Everybody - First
impressions of House Bunny, which the finished film did
not appear to contradict. Plus 'thus' vs. 'thusly' and my abortive
attempts at writing in Spanish - Read
it here
- It
Really is That Fucking Bad
- I have seen Battlefield Earth and My Best Friend's
Girl is worse - Read
it here
- Thor
and the Racists - Why
the Thor film would be a million times better if it really
was about Norse Mythology, and why right-wing conservatives wouldn't
be happy either way - Read
it here
Advertising
- They
Don't Look a Thing Like Onions -
Those horrible Subway ads- Read
it here
- The
Perpetually Increasing Weirdness of Lynx (or Axe) Adverts -
Featuring women becoming attracted to pennies, women crushing
a man to death, a terrifying chocolate man, the uncomfortable
links (or lynx) between sex and food in advertising and a guy
with weird eyes looks at his pit stains - Read
it here
- What
the Hell is a WaMu Anyway?
- My critique of those surreal Washington Mutual commericals,
American advertising's low standards and I suppose the
American banking system - Read
it here
Video Games
- Final
Star Fantasy Wars -
My review of Final Fantasy XII plus what I think "Kupo"
really means and the manifold similarities between the game and
the Star Wars films - Read
it here
- Video
Game Rants - Includes thoughts on Crash Bandicoot, the
'console wars', the controversy over Manhunt 2 and reviews
of Assassin's Creed, Hexic, Mass Effect,
Bioshock and Crackdown - Read
it here
- Yeah!
Whoo! Bring it On, Sucker! This is My kind o' Shit! -
Reviews of Gears of War and Gears of War 2 -
Read it here
Music
- Fergie
and the Peas
- My reviews of 'My Humps' and 'Fergalicious' - Read
it here
- Or
Should I Just Keep Eating Biscuits?
- Why 'Chasing Pavements' isn't really a song - Read
it here
- One
Hundred Million Eyes -
More non-songs with nonsense lyrics go under the knife, this time
with Lovecraftian horrors, lipstick eating and "THE LIE"
- Read it here
Other
Rants
- Breakfast
Juice - a disturbingly-named drink - Read
it here
- Yes,
it Really Happened to Me
- Jack has a hernia in the comic and so did I - Read
it here
- Okay,
Time To Bust Some Balls
- Irritatingly, people on internet can't spell "yeah"
- Read
it here
- Couldn't
Care Less - stop saying it wrong - Read
it here
- Pharell
Williams Has No Face - Plus what I think of 'She Wants
to Move' - Read
it here
- That's
the Key - The trail of tears I walked when I moved into
my flat - Read
it here
- What
the F.U.C.K. - Posters for Nue Bar raise my blood pressure
- Read
it here
- Crazy
Bicycle Guy - Perplexingly, a complete stranger hurls
abuse at me - Read
it here
- Morphine
- Hospitalisation, appendicitis, pain killers and Cartoon Network
- Read
it here
- Weird
Dreams I Have Had - Read
it here
- Avoid
the New Internet Explorer -
My experience of the new version 8 - Read
it here
- What
the Google? - The frankly baffling search threads typed
into Google which led people here - Read
it here
- My
Country 'Tis of Tea - One day a year I am filled with
national pride - Read
it here
Don't
agree? Want to weigh in on a topic? E-mail
me!
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