This page is full of links to snarky and humorous essays I wrote when I was younger and angrier. I'm still quite proud of these and I stand by the opinion expressed in the most thoughtfully-written ones. However, for the most part these rants were written for the purposes of entertainment (or self-indulgence) rather than to accurately express how I felt about the subject so in some places fairness, even-handedness and truthfulness were deemed too boring and were replaced by cynicism, bias and rhetoric. Sometimes a serious point would lurk behind the posturing and mock-exasperation, sometimes I was just being facetious. I'll leave it to you to decide which is happening when. Some of these were written when I was 17, others were written as many as 7 years later. If you arrange them in chronological order you can practically watch me become a reasonable human being.

What I'm trying to say is that you should take everything here with a pinch of salt and a healthy sense of humour. The Happening really does eat, though.


  • Alternative Comics - Scott McCloud apparently rubbed teenage David the wrong way, bless his sarcastic misanthropic heart - Read it here
  • In Defence of Criticism - Why the webcomics community needs 'drama' - Read it here
  • Jess Calcaben is a Dude - My first brush with said 'drama', in which I needlessly act like an utter asshole - Read it here
  • In Defence of Criticism 2: Hitler Was Vegetarian - Scott Kurtz says webcartoonists should ignore critics, inspiring me to elaborate on my previous tirade. Also contains a potted review of Misfile - Read it here
  • Our Timmy - My numerous and wholey futile tirades against the frankly hateful Tim Buckley collected here for your entertainment - Read it here
  • Webcomic Rants - Strips I have recommended or commented on but too briefly to warrant their own page: Starslip Crisis. Also Webcomic Haiku and the lamentable omnipresence of ninjas - Read it here


  • The Fantastic Four - Reviews of both the first film and its dramatically superior sequel - Read it here
  • Notes Made Watching Ghost Rider - This film was so dumb I blacked out. When I came to this was scribbled over a piece of paper stained with tears and specks of blood - Read it here
  • Film Reviews - Reviews too short to deserve their own page: Spider-Man 3, Magicians, the Shrek sequels, Ghost Rider, Good Luck Chuck, The Golden Compass, Fido, Beowulf and I Am Legend - Read it here
  • Cloverfield - The Cloverfield hype machine and my review of the film - Read it here
  • 'The Happening' is Also a Song by The Supremes - reviews of 27 Dresses, Over Her Dead Body, Jumper, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Charlie Bartlett, Run Fatboy Run, Superhero Movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, 13 Going on 30 and The Crappening - Read it here
  • Jumper - My thoughts on the stupid title plus the review reproduced for your convenience - Read it here
  • Don't See The Libertine - My review of The Libertine, which can be summarised in one sentence - Read it here
  • Jason Segel Will Save Us All - Why I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Read it here
  • Meet the Hacks - If there are two things I hate they're those stupid '[INSERT GENRE] MOVIE' so-called 'parodies' and films with 'Meet' in the title - Read it here
  • House Bunny is Ruining Girl Geeks for Everybody - First impressions of House Bunny, which the finished film did not appear to contradict. Plus 'thus' vs. 'thusly' and my abortive attempts at writing in Spanish - Read it here
  • It Really is That Fucking Bad - I have seen Battlefield Earth and My Best Friend's Girl is worse - Read it here
  • Thor and the Racists - Why the Thor film would be a million times better if it really was about Norse Mythology, and why right-wing conservatives wouldn't be happy either way - Read it here


  • They Don't Look a Thing Like Onions - Those horrible Subway ads- Read it here
  • The Perpetually Increasing Weirdness of Lynx (or Axe) Adverts - Featuring women becoming attracted to pennies, women crushing a man to death, a terrifying chocolate man, the uncomfortable links (or lynx) between sex and food in advertising and a guy with weird eyes looks at his pit stains - Read it here
  • What the Hell is a WaMu Anyway? - My critique of those surreal Washington Mutual commericals, American advertising's low standards and I suppose the American banking system - Read it here

Video Games

  • Final Star Fantasy Wars - My review of Final Fantasy XII plus what I think "Kupo" really means and the manifold similarities between the game and the Star Wars films - Read it here
  • Video Game Rants - Includes thoughts on Crash Bandicoot, the 'console wars', the controversy over Manhunt 2 and reviews of Assassin's Creed, Hexic, Mass Effect, Bioshock and Crackdown - Read it here
  • Yeah! Whoo! Bring it On, Sucker! This is My kind o' Shit! - Reviews of Gears of War and Gears of War 2 - Read it here


  • Fergie and the Peas - My reviews of 'My Humps' and 'Fergalicious' - Read it here
  • Or Should I Just Keep Eating Biscuits? - Why 'Chasing Pavements' isn't really a song - Read it here
  • One Hundred Million Eyes - More non-songs with nonsense lyrics go under the knife, this time with Lovecraftian horrors, lipstick eating and "THE LIE" - Read it here

Other Rants

  • Breakfast Juice - a disturbingly-named drink - Read it here
  • Yes, it Really Happened to Me - Jack has a hernia in the comic and so did I - Read it here
  • Okay, Time To Bust Some Balls - Irritatingly, people on internet can't spell "yeah" - Read it here
  • Couldn't Care Less - stop saying it wrong - Read it here
  • Pharell Williams Has No Face - Plus what I think of 'She Wants to Move' - Read it here
  • That's the Key - The trail of tears I walked when I moved into my flat - Read it here
  • What the F.U.C.K. - Posters for Nue Bar raise my blood pressure - Read it here
  • Crazy Bicycle Guy - Perplexingly, a complete stranger hurls abuse at me - Read it here
  • Morphine - Hospitalisation, appendicitis, pain killers and Cartoon Network - Read it here
  • Weird Dreams I Have Had - Read it here
  • Avoid the New Internet Explorer - My experience of the new version 8 - Read it here
  • What the Google? - The frankly baffling search threads typed into Google which led people here - Read it here
  • My Country 'Tis of Tea - One day a year I am filled with national pride - Read it here

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