Life on the Fourth Floor


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Video Games

Crash Bandicoot 2

Anyway, video games. Life on the Fourth Floor is not turning into a 'gamer comic' (pretty sure 'game' isn't a verb, dudes), it's a comic about life (specifically life on a floor). Life includes video games. Video games include Crash Bandicoot. You may laugh derisively at me with your Gears and your Halos but in ten years' time those games will be just as outdated but they will nevertheless remain enjoyable games. Thing is, I'm too young to remember Pac-man. Crash is my Pac-man.

The Console Wars - My Place Therein

Posted 18:08 (GMT) 25th November 2007

You probably don't travel in the same geeky little circles as myself but you might be aware that Microsoft and Sony are directly competing with each other with their 'next-generation' consoles, the Xbox 360 and the PlayStation 3 respectively. This has led to what has been tritely referred to as the Console Wars, which consists of obnoxious fans (lit. fanatics, zealouts) of either console arguing with each other on the internet about which is best, with the Wii acting as a plucky third party candidate. I'm sorry if any of this sounds patronising but if you're already familiar with the world of video games it's easy to forget that there are plenty of people out there who just don't give a shit.

But this is how things stand. I like to play the video games. I intend to buy a next-generation console. I am forced to choose between the PS3 and the 360. Every time I try to inform my decision as to which to choose, I am bombarded by indignant assertions from either camp that their console is the best. Now, many people look down on such zeal and vitriol as childish - they shrug and say to themselves "Why does one have to be better than the other? Just buy both."

I am not one of those people. I am one of those people between the ages of 10 and 22 who either lives with their parents or works full time as a student - people who are unemployed, either financially dependent on adults or adults trying to make a few thousand pounds stretch over three or four expensive years of tuition. I can't just buy both, not for a while at least. I'm too poor. Someone in a position such as mine really does have to decide which console is the best and even convince themselves that the other console is a waste of money. I understand your pain.

I wouldn't consider myself a fan of Sony per se but the first console I ever owned was a PlayStation. God, that was the best Christmas ever. The second was a PlayStation 2. That was awesome - it still is. I'm still buying new games for it. And I'm still buying games for my PSP. I am the proud owner of three PlayStations. When I heard that the new PS3 was coming out, I instantly decided I would get one - as soon as I could afford it. It's not that I have any particular disdain for the Xbox but it only came out after I already had a PS2 and I would have had to ask my parents to buy me one, which would have involved explaining precisely what was wrong with the console I already had. Two games consoles is a luxury I could not afford. Besides, apart from Oddworld Inhabitants' move to Microsoft and the delights of Halo, they never really did much to bait the hook.

Until now. The 360 has some good games - Mass Effect, Bioshock, Gears of War, Oblivion and (of course) Halo 3. Plus it's affordable. More so than the PS3, at least. And what games are there for the PlayStation 3? Over the past few weeks I've felt my resolve wavering, my allegiance shifting. I have never fought in the Console Wars as such but secretly I was rooting for one side to win. I mean, you don't want to end up with a Gamecube or a Dreamcast in your living room, do you? It is possible for one console to defeat another. It doesn't have to be the best either. I believe the Betamax had better quality than the VHS. I wouldn't know - they were obsolete long before I was even born.

Then I found out thatnot only is Assassin's Creed - the reason I was going to buy a PS3 - available for the Xbox 360, it even looks better on the other console, apparently. After that, my resolve was gone. I have asked Father Christmas for a 360. I am a turncoat. An over-excited turncoat. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Hey, I'm still going to get a PlayStation 3. As soon as I can afford it.

Manhunt 2

Posted 18:08 (GMT) 25th November 2007

In the light of my recent (spontaneous/crazy) decision, I've been keeping my ear to the ground in the world of games. More so than usual. It turns out Manhunt 2 is banned in this country. Before I go on, I want to preface my comments by informing any American readers not already in the know that we have no constitution and no first ammendment in England. I mean, we don't have those because they're really a given. You don't need to write that stuff down any more than you need to write a note above your sink asking people not to shit in it. Plus, video games actually have a real rating system here just like films, so there's little controvsery over Grand Theft Auto being played by children because it's acutally illegal for them to do it. My country is also blessed with a lack of Jack-Thompsonesque nut jobs lobbying for the banning of video games to prevent gun violence. The reason is that (the issue of free will and a moral agent's responsibility for his actions aside) no matter how many video games a kid plays in this country, he's not going to shoot any policemen or any of his school friends because we don't have guns in this country. Well, we do in Nottingham. But they're not legal. You see, we have no second ammendment either!

But I read that this game has been banned in the UK. My government has already decided that no matter how much I want to play this game, I can't. It is forbidden. The idea was initially irksome. But then I remembered the trailers I had watched and the gameplay footage and how nauseas I had felt afterwards. I'm not going to give you a link to the videos I watched and I strongly urge you not to look them up yourselves. I mean, I linked to the video for 'Fergalicious' but there are some horrors we were not meant to endure. It's just fucking sick. I can't imagine anyone who would want to play Manhunt 2. Honestly, I'm glad I don't know anyone who would want to play it. I imagine that after a while I would be able to stab people over and over with a dirty syringe without throwing up but... why would I want to? I'm happy that such thoughts are abhorrent to me.

There was a post under the article I read which said "Sucks to be a UK citizen I guess. Now I just HAVE to play it." You might be right, WOUTAR. Perhaps, based on this information, it does suck to be a UK citizen. This may lead to milder games being banned - games I actually want to play - in which case I will be worried. Right now, though, the government have achieved the equivalent of passing a law banning me from driving a rusty nail through my eye with a hammer. Sometimes The Man makes the right call.

Well, thanks for reading. Fourth Floor returns soon! Very soon! The Hallowe'en special will seem a little anachronistic now but what the hell. I've been in hospital twice in the past month. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

I Am a Knife in the Crowd

Posted 18:40 (GMT) 31st December 2007

Actually, I'm a pencil in a vacuum. That's the Cartoonist's Creed. In case you hadn't guessed I have an Xbox 360 now. I've spent the past couple of days playing Mass Effect and Assassin's Creed. Especially Assassin's Creed. I'm starting to obsess. I'm going to buy myself a white hoodie and a letter opener real soon.

I'm not going to review these games for you because this strip is already one Super Mario reference away from being labelled a 'gaming comic' (shudder) but I will give you my initial impressions, in case you haven't bought these games or a 360. Buy them. Worth every penny. Loads of fun. There.

The 360 itself is everything I was promised and more. I didn't know I could plug my PSP into that thing and listen to music. That was cool. And the graphics for the games had me making weird orgasm noises all through Christmas Day. Even when I wasn't playing.

I was a bit alarmed to hear Assassin's Creed get such low reviews and I have to agree with the Penny Arcade gang when they suggest these low scores are evidence that the whole game review system is inherently flawed. This will only come as earth-shattering news if you ever gave a damn about video game reviews.

If you want my opinion (and I know you do) I think Assassin's Creed is flawless. Actually, scratch that. It has flaws but I love it anyway. In fact, it goes beyond that. I love the flaws. People have criticised the AI of the guards but my brother and I have had literally hours of fun dicking about assassinating guards and then getting away with it when we probably wouldn't in the real world. I hate games in which you have to be too stealthy and if you fuck up they come down on you like a metric tonne of bricks. Bricks with grudges. Assassin's Creed is more... swashbuckling. And people have also bitched about how you spend too much time dicking about and not enough time assassinating. This is what attracts me to sandbox games - the possibility of just dicking about! As I have previously mentioned, my brother and I enjoy dicking about on games for each other's entertainment. Even if (and this is likely) the reviewers were not able to play the game with my brother in the room, the sheer amounts of style and fun brimming from this game are undeniable.

I think there's more to it than simply the gameplay: I think people who complain you don't spend enough time assassinating have a different definition of assassinate to myself, in some hidden dictionary, because the way I see it that's all you do. You run around killing people. I mean, there are the main assassination targets but they're more like bosses at the end of a level. The rest of your time is spent infiltrating buildings, sneaking up on guards, killing smaller targets. Some areas are guarded and you have to figure out a way of killing the guards without getting caught. Assassination! Sometimes you need to climb a building but it's being guarded. Boom - assassination! Sometimes you need to kill the guard who would otherwise catch you killing another guard. Assassination, right there! If anyone tells you there isn't enough assassinating in Assassin's Creed is lying. Or they're trying to play the game as a pacifist. Because in reality the only way you could do more assassinating is if you had to get from A to B by walking on people in shoes made out of knives. Whilst shooting knives randomly out of your ass. On your way to a murder.

It's lots of fun. I've never had so much fun playing a video game before nor will I again until the next one comes out. It's worth buying for the architecture alone. And negotiating that beautiful environment is like a puzzle, an addictive and rewarding puzzle.

Anyway, having said that I don't care about video game reviews I will now refer you to Zero Punctuation, a series of hilarious video game reviews by this guy called Ben Croshaw. He's English, like me. Only a lot more English. And a lot funnier. He's a man who can use the phrase "kick arse" without feeling like a complete prick. But his videos are ass. If you've ever seen an episode of Charlie Brooker's Screeenwipe you'll be in very familiar territory.

And in one of these videos he refered me to Jonathan Coulton's website. He's that guy who made the song at the end of Portal, the one I've been singing in the shower every day (along with 'Wicked Game' by Chris Isaack but that's not really relevant). You can listen to his music for free on the site so if you like music and you like laughter then you should check it out. If you don't like music or laughter then... I don't know. You're probably not a human being. Maybe you're a cat. They're notorious for their inability to laugh. But then, what would a cat be doing reading my homepage? Maybe you're a robot. Or a robot cat. I'm going to play some video games.

(P.S. I know 'hilarious' sounds really insincere and is often a jackass way of describing something that's just funny but Zero Punctuation really is hilarious. It made me laugh out loud when I was by myself. And I'm a dried up cynical husk of bitterness and rage. Anyway, Super Mario.)

Hexic

Posted 02:24 (GMT) 8th January 2007

So I've been investigating Xbox Live Arcade because they gave me some free puzzle games - Bejeweled [sic.], Zuma, that kind of thing - and the skinflint instincts (skinstincts? flickskits?) my parents imbued me with told me to extract my money's worth out of anything I've already paid for (which could explain why I spend so much time in hospital). I don't really play puzzle games but Lumines taught me not to dismiss the genre altogether. There's one game that's sucked me into its stupid little world and then pissed all over me. It's called Hexic HD. Hexic? More like Vexic. Heh-heh.

So the game's set in this purple-tinged world of metal and lasers in which brightly-coloured hexagons must be rotated until they disappear. If you get three together in one place they disappear and the aim is to get as many of the same colour together at once. Except that I can only get three. I've poured hours of my life into this game as one would pour water into a bath, expecting the water to reach a level at which bathtime fun can be had. But here's how they get you - the plug's not in! This metaphor has got away from me a little. The point is the game doesn't work. It's broken.

This is not just sour grapes because I suck at it.

I don't suck at Hexic. Hexic is just a stupid piece of shit. I just potter through getting tiny clusters of three hexagons at a time until suddenly - compeltely by chance - I'll create a combo of blocks and trick myself into thinking I'm getting the hang of it. But I didn't do that deliberately, it just happened. I can no more predict how it will happen again than I can whistle out of my penis. Why? Because it sucks. And I'm glad I mentioned Lumines previously because Hexic tries to incorporate music into the gameplay but much less successfully. In Lumines the music actually changes depending how you played, and it's good music too for the most part. In Hexic the music is the equivalent of a quiet mutter, this understated whisper-quiet techno beat which you can successfully tune out after about ten minutes like any other repetitive noise. Then when the game thinks you're getting into some kind of hexagon groove it rewards you by throwing in some bad music. Like, guitars and shit. You tune out the noise and suddenly that noise turns into a fairly lacklustre little tune. It's quite jarring.

Imagine you're having sex and your partner is particularly impressed by the rhythmic motion of your hips so they suddenly whip out an acoustic guitar and attempt to conduct an impromptu fuck-along. Aside from bringing a new meaning to 'making music together', there's nothing impressive about that scenario.

Sometimes a load of blocks will disappear for no fucking reason at all. You can't see what magic arrangement of shapes you've accidentally made until they've vanished! The game just assumes it's delibarate! So it rewards you with some shitty music!

Then there are these bomb hexagons which appear and promise to end the game within x number of moves unless you can match them up with their similar-coloured brethren and thus 'diffuse' them. Only they seem to appear at random, at random places. Sometimes they appear right in the middle of a load of other blocks of the same colour. Sometimes there won't be any of that colour for miles around because, you know, you cleared them away. By being good at the game (or so you thought). So then the bomb goes off before you can get rid of it and there. The game just ends. Start again from scratch. Or go to bed. Or play some Assassin's Creed and imagine the rooftop archers design hexagon-themed bullshit games before you stick a knife through their windpipes.

These bombs represent the game's desire for you to not play it. It's like having your mother in the room saying, "Haven't you got work to do tomorrow? Maybe you should stop."

In real-world terms, imagine you're having sex...

Biomassassin's Shockreedeffect

Posted 17:32 (GMT) 30th January 2008

Yeah, so Altair doesn't say much during the game-play of Assassin's Creed, which allows the player to provide his own voiceover. In a sandbox game, you're only limited by your own imagination for fun things to do. My brother and I try to jump onto the back of a horse from a great height. I like to kill guards next to piles of hay and then wait within for another unsuspecting crusader to take the bait and subsequently eat throwing knife, like a trapdoor spider. Also, running around in circles in fun.

I finished the game this week. I enjoyed the ending, found it very satisfying. So there. All the plot points aren't tied up it's true but I'm grateful Ubisoft have made that choice because the alternative is the Prince of Persia sequels. The first Prince of Persia game had its own self-contained plot which was all wrapped up by the end. So the inevitable sequels really had no stray threads to pick up spin into a new plot so they instead opted to shit all over the original premise. Same thing happened with the Matrix sequels.

Assassin's Creed doesn't so much leave room for a sequel but instead presents a satisfying but enticing first chapter of a larger story. Which means I now have to buy Assassin's Creed 2. Unless Desmond's next memory is not of being an assassin, in which case the next game could well be Golfer's Creed or Subway Staff-Member's Creed (wash your hands, ask them if they want extra cheese, offer a meal deal).

I'm not sure what to play now I've finished the game. Mass Effect keeps kicking my ass and I picked up Bioshock a few weeks ago but I've found I can't play it. It's too scary.

You see, I'm not used to first-person shooting games, or first-person anything for that matter (except maybe narratives). I'm more accustomed to third-person games in which there's a guy getting his ass kicked and, yes, I'm controlling him as a puppeteer might but really I'm just the cameraman, my role is passive. In a first-person came the guy getting his ass kicked is me. I can't shake the feeling that I myself am in real danger playing a game like Bioshock and its beautiful graphics don't help me remind myself it isn't real. The game is excellently designed, scored, everything. It's immersive. And I am immersed completely, much like Jack is in today's strip.

That sounds like a good thing and it really would be for me if Bioshock was about having your face licked by puppies. But instead it's about a 1940's distopia populated with genetically mutilated psychopaths and fucking ghosts. The ghosts are, I don't know, genetic ghosts and they can't actually hurt you. But they still terrify the living shit out of me. I think I'd be more comfortable shooting killer plants or animals, it's the fact that the splicers are human yet simultaneously inhuman that chills me to the bone. It's what Sigmund Freud called "unheimlich", the sensation of being psychologically disturbed by that which is simultaneously familiar and unfamiliar. Examples include humans sharing animal traits, the suspicion that humans are really robots or robots are really human and fear of the dead in some way taking revenge on the living. That and losing an eye.

Really, Bioshock's got the lot.

So it's not just "Oh shit, it's coming right at me! Me!" it's "Oh shit, behold the inhumanity within humanity, be it automated, bestial or inevitable death!"

I saw "Aesthetics are a moral imperative" written in blood on a wall. That actually disturbed me enough to make me put down the controller and walk the fuck away. I mean, that's just creepy.

So, in summary, Assassin's Creed is awesome despite what you've been told. And Bioshock is really good. In fact, it's too good. I'm off to have my ass handed to me by Mass Effect.

Crackdown

Posted 20:00 (GMT) 6th February 2008

On a whim I picked up a new game for my Xbox, or rather an old game. I was feeling uncomfortable out there on the cutting edge with last week's Assassin's Creed strip, I feel much more comfortable with Crackdown, a game everyone's forgotten about. It's a game about a super cop (a cop who can't be stopped) who uses his super powers to blow things up from super ridiculous distances, shoot anything that moves, steal cars (for no good reason) and throw shit around. And jump really high, in a way which looks silly. We'll forgo the more detailed description but rest assured it would have contained the words 'playground', 'explosion' and 'massive'.

It's basically a less sophisticated version of Assassin's Creed sans stealth plus semi-automatic machine guns. Scale buildings, find collectibles, kill assassination targets, explore a city. And when seen in this light suddenly all the complaints about excessive 'faffing about' in Assassin's Creed makes sense, since as soon as you load up Crackdown you're thrown right into the action - an unrelenting series of intense firefights in which you jump super-high in a way which looks silly. It's all bombs, no foreplay. Kind of like the U.S. government. Honestly, I miss the foreplay. And the graphics.

And the similarities don't end there, since you're cracking down on organised crime syndicates made up of stereotypical Mexicans, stereotypical Russians and stereotypical Asians, who do all but shout 'No me gusta!' when you shoot them. They sell drugs, smuggle oil, stockpile explosives and train illegal immigrants to maintain their lawless reign, in what must amount to a Republican's wet dream. It doesn't strike me as distasteful, because I'm not American - for me, everyone in the game is an unsympathetic and stereotypical foreigner.

All the exposition is delivered by a disembodied voice bearing an uncanny resemblance to that of Spottswoode from Team America. But that's not all he delivers: every time you accidentally kill an innocent person (i.e. a W.A.S.P.) because you couldn't see them from your ridiculous distance he dishes out a harsh rebuke and whenever you collect something he says "Good job, agent", in the same fatherly tones ordinarily reserved for a child who has cleaned his plate or successfully used a pot. His language constantly veers between the unnecessarily technical ("modes of vehicular transportation" instead of, I don't know, "car") and the childishly colloquial ("There's Natalia. Bitch."). If you can tolerate this kind of sensory abuse and like killing men with grenade launchers by throwing a truck at them I would recommend you pick up a copy of the game.

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