Life on the Fourth Floor


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Notes Made Watching Ghost Rider

This rant was written while is was watching the film Ghost Rider, possibly one of the worst ever made. It was so bad I had to write my scathing review of it as I went along, scene-by-scene. If you haven't seen the film recently, or at all, I would recommend you watch it again before reading the rant. Although the rant itself will never be good enough to justify watching Ghost Rider. Instead, buy a copy of the film and throw it into a volcano.

This Sam Elliot prologue is painful. There has to be a better way to deliver this kind of exposition. By the way: can a minion of Mephistopheles just do that? Like, just steal Mephistopheles' contracts whenever he fucking feels like it? Why does the Devil still employ these guys if they can do that?

Why is the acting so stilted? Are we meant to believe these people give a shit about each other?

When Mephistopheles first appears, Johnny's breath is visible - presumably because it's so cold around the Devil. For the rest of the scene, you can't see his breath. What, did it warm up again?

If anyone - Devil or no - offered to make a deal with you, asking for your soul in exchange for something - anything - wouldn't you be the least bit suspicious? Wouldn't you check the terms of the agreement before signing? I would. Maybe Johnny Blaze would too. As it is, he doesn't actually sign the fucking thing. He just spills his blood on it. "That'll do just fine." Will it, Mephistopheles? Will it?

The dumb fucker should have asked for more stuff besides curing his Dad's cancer. Like a burger. Or some milk. Milk is delicious.

God this film is cheesy. Did Mephistopheles just slowly fade out of the shot whilst laughing in a booming voice? It sounded like one of the sound effects from 'Thriller'. No way to be sure.

Johnny can't seem to believe the Devil tricked him. Here's something that could have tipped him off: he's the Prince of Fucking Lies.

Woah, is that Mack guy playing a Johnny Blaze video game on the tour bus? He fucking is! Who besides Tony Hawk is famous enough to have their own video game? He seems to be playing a level that looks just like the scene we just saw as well. Spooky.

"You got an angel looking after you." "Maybe... maybe it's something else." No shit, Sherlock. I suppose the events surrouding your father's death were easy to forget. Unless you know it's something else and you just said "maybe" for the benefit of your chubby friend, in which case you probably should have said it loud enough for him to hear. Like, louder than a whisper.

Hey, Blackheart's super-power is killing inconsequential characters. And pulling faces. Ridiculous faces. All he needs to do is shout "boo!"

This guy is dumb. Really dumb.

Wow. Johnny should check if Roxanne has sold her soul too, since she doesn't appear to have aged at all in the past, what, 30 years? I mean, the first part of the film was set in a cross between the 70s and the 50s, so it's been at least 30 years.

"Send your rider. I will retire him just like I will retire you." Ca-lunk.

As excuses for standing up your date go, "I had to ride around on a bike whilst on fire" is one of the worst.

"The posters... the video games." Well, that proves it.

Oh, a Back to the Future reference. Cute. I didn't know David Zucker and Jim Abrahams were directing this scene.

As much fun as it is to watch the skin being burnt from Nicholas Cage's face, it's still an awful effect. He's actually laughing at one point during the transformation.

The first time that Ghost Rider and Blackheart meet and he just points and says "Back to Hell!" Huh. I guess I missed the scene where Johnny agreed to do the Devil's dirty work and found out what Blackheart looks like.

This isn't a fight sequence, this is just an awkwardly-paced series of cartoonish effects and one-liners. Oh no! Ghost Rider is hanging from a chain! (Are we meant to think he's dead? Like the skeleton has been strangled, despite lacking lungs and a bloodstream?) Oh no! The water demon has trapped him in a puddle! Oh no! The... gas demon is... laughing at him. Oh no! He just got hit by a truck! I hope the invincible skeleton on fire is okay.

This guy can actually do whatever he wants. And transform things around him. But only at night. So, he's The Mask.

Ray, if a drunk Eva Mendes asks you if you think she's pretty, you say "YES"! Stupid waiter.

Why don't the mugger's clothes catch fire when Ghost Rider touches him?

Apparently spending the night on fire makes you really thirsty. I wish that made a lick of sense.

I get the 'rider' part, but how is he a ghost? Like, in any way? Skeleton... on fire... with a bike. What part of that is remotely ghostly?

This film is a mess. I'm half way through and still no sniff of a plot.

Oh good, Sam Elliot is back to deliver more bloated exposition.

If a tree falls in the woods and Eva Mendes' cleavage isn't in shot, does it make a sound?

Wow. He told her about the ridiculous premise for this film. And I was right, she didn't believe it. Hell, I don't even believe it and it's happening before my very eyes.

Oh no! He's trapped in a gaol cell full of stock thugs! If only he were some kind of skeleton...on fire.

Hmm. Ghost Rider's kind of a dick, isn't he?

"Time to clear the air." Heh, stupid one-liners always sound better in a gruff otherworldly monotone.

These demons are ridiculously easy to kill, aren't they? The only challenge is chasing them for the five minutes it takes them to stop and gloat, like they're not easy to kill. But they're so easy to kill! He just has to find a way to wrap that chain around them and they dissolve like bath salts.

They're not asking Roxanne to move behind the police line, are they? She's actually standing in front of police officers with guns. It's not even like she's honorary member of force - she's just a woman who's about to get shot.

"Johnny?" She's memorised his bone structure for just such an occassion.

Heh. "Did you miss me? I guess not!" This really is The Mask.

"You don't know me but I love 'im." Best. line. ever.

Well, Mack's dead. Let's grieve for a millisecond. Oop, time's up. Seriously, this guy's a dick even when he's not on fire.

"He has my soul but he doesn't have my spirit." THEY'RE THE SAME GOD DAMN THING! Aaaaaargh!

He sold his soul for the right reasons. That puts God on his side. Jesus, where do I start? Surely not selling his soul at all and letting his father die of cancer instead of... the next day would have been better. I think God would agree.

"Carter Slade." Woah! I didn't see that coming! This film reminds me of that episode of Futurama where floating brains turn everyone into retards. I think something similar is going on here.

"I could only change one more time and I've been saving it for this." Well, congratulations. You wasted it.

Well, there goes the last of those elemental guys. He was the easiest to kill of the three. Why were they even in this film? What purpose do they serve?

Surely it should be "Our names is Legion, for we are many."

"I'm not afraid." Well, he's not scary. But don't you want to giggle every time you see him?

He outsmarted the Devil by... being a dumbass. Yeah, that makes sense. This guy deserves to be cursed.

This movie makes The Devil's Advocate look like Paradise Lost.

Mark Steven Johnson. I will remember that name just so I can hate it.

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