Life on the Fourth Floor


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What The Google?

Nazi Time Travel and Denise Richards

Posted 08:32 (GMT) 5th April 2008

Let's talk about Google Analytics, the on-line statistics-tracking program which at this very moment is spying on you. Well, not really. It's not like I watched you scratch your nose just then, it's more like how long you guys are staying on the site, how you're getting here and how many of you are reading these news posts (about half of you, the half that is super-awesome).

It also reveals what people have typed into search engines before winding up here... which is where things get interesting. For example, I compared Ben Affleck to Denise Richards in my 'review' of A Series of Implausible Events, also known in some countries as Paycheck, and then complained at length about how my widow's peak has invaded more and more of my head a few weeks later. Lo and behold, someone typing 'denise richards + "widow's peak'" removal' wound up here. Imagine their disappointment. That sort of makes sense though.

The search thread that boggles my mind is 'comic forced orgasm nazi "time travel"'. Aside from the word 'comic' in that frightening series of non-sequitirs, what has any of that got to do with my website? And what kind of mind trawls the internet for erotica relating to time-travelling nazis? That is a niche market if ever I saw one.

As weirded out as I was by this new information, it made me aware of the way in which the words I write here directly effect the traffic that comes to the site. So on that note, I'd like to dedicate the rest of the news post to Paris Hilton, Myspace, The World Cup, Wikipedia, podcasting, Orlando Bloom and bankruptcy. And also boobs. It's like printing my own money.

A Side of Bruce Willis I'd Sooner Not See

Posted 04:38 (GMT) 24th May 2008

I would like to share some of my favourite new search threads that have led unsuspected surfers to this site, courtesy of Google. Whilst none of them can beat comic forced orgasm nazi “time travel”, some come close:

bruce willis – early in career pornographic photos
comic who says if you were a hotdog would, you eat yourself
misawa japan pussy
what would you need to travel back in time
“ben croshaw” “time buckley”
“they’ll pay, they’ll all pay” simpsons
“tim buckley” “ben croshaw”
ashe Wednesday t.s. eliot
comic fill in the blanks speech bubbles
explain the ending of the movie the fourth floor
periodic table regenium

I especially like that last one, because it shows that some people think the same thoughts as me although the one before that is pretty funny because it's more of a demand than a search, operating along the same lines as the computers in Star Trek. "Computer, explain the ending of the movie The Fourth Floor." The less said about the philosophical quandry of whether you would eat yourself if you were a hotdog the better.

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