Pharrell Williams: Ultimate Poker Champion

Posted 12:10 (GMT) 8th September 2007

All right, this has been bothering me for a while. Am I the only one who finds Pharrell's lack of a face frightening? The man has no face. It's smooth like an egg. Features like a chin, cheekbones, a nose, eyes - features which are on any other face prominent - blend into one another. They're all tiny and... smooth. It's like somone's taken a face and polished it until all the bumps and protrusions are gone. Like on those TV shows where people's faces are blurred out by that dot. That's Pharrell's face all the time. He has no face. He doesn't even like showing the front of his head, where people normally keep a face:

I saw him in an interview on the MTVs and he was slumped in his chair - slumped really far down, almost prostrate - with his cap over his eyes and speaking really quietly, a low mutter. It was like he was trying to get to sleep. Is he just camera shy? I'd be shy too if I didn't have a face.

And something about the name 'Pharrell' worries me. It sounds kind of... feral. Or Pherrall, I suppose. Too many double letters in one place. It's like if I was called Davvidd you'd think it unnecessary. One thing's for sure, he's not going to sell well in Japan. I thought it was a fake hip-hop name like Fiddy or Rihanna but that's actually his real first name. His brothers are Cato and Psolomon Williams. Wow.

Anyway, to illustrate what I'm talking about further, check out this music video in which the members of N.E.R.D. (who aren't nerds, weirdly) appear as bright red floating heads. They didn't bother with Pharrrrrelllll's, they just painted an egg and dangled it on a bit of string. You can't tell.

P.S.

Can we talk a little about 'She Wants to Move'? I don't like it, and not just because it includes the lyric "Her ass is a spaceship I want to ride" and that the whole music video takes place inside said spaceship, an elaborately-designed H.R. Giger affair furnished with a rotating dancefloor, piano and scary floating heads. I don't like it because it's message is "Your girlfriend wants to dance around like a 'ho. I find her very attractive. We might have sex later on. You're hogging her - beat it." They actually say "beat it". I don't even have a girlfriend and I feel threatened. Does anyone else hear that and feel like they've just had their lunch money stolen? By a man with no face? Okay, now I have goose-bumps.

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