Jess Calcaben is a Dude

Or

God, I'm Such an Asshole

And the Pink Bat Monster Is...

Posted 02:06, Sunday 23rd July 2006

So, yeah, I was taking a look at the awards ceremony for the 2006 WCCA's and, as in previous years, it was a mix of comedic brilliance, incomprehensibility and the random distribution of awards to whichever nominee deserves it most/least (largely the former).

What's the deal with the awards ceremony, though? I love the idea - a comic version of the Oscars, with fabulous dresses, red carpet, autocues, hosts and everything all drawn - but what about the execution? Comics like Multiplex, Theatre Hopper and 13 Seconds did a really good job of making me think I was watching a real awards show but some of the artists just had people in a room talking about awards and how if - hypothetically - such awards existed they thought that they might be given to the following list of people... What? Way to break the illusion, guys. I mean, we all know it's not a real ceremony but at least make an effort, make it fun. One strip just had some guy in a subway. It went something along these lines:

Guy takes a drink from a vending machine, remarking about how it hits the spot.

He thinks about how he's been chasing a pink ghost-monster through the subway tunnels.

He sees a TV screening the WCCA awards and realises he forgot that the WCCA's were on tonight. And the nominees are...

Piss! You forgot to turn up, guy! You were meant to give away that award but instead you got caught up chasing a pink bat. Wow, that must suck.

When I first opened that page I thought I'd clicked the wrong link and gone to a winning comic instead of the next presentation. Moments before we were in a studio audience and now... what? Stale subway air? That is something of a non-sequitir. It makes me suspect that this Jess Calcaben realised that the award presentation would be a good advertising opportunity and made a comic that continues the story of her strip in order to hook in loads of new readers who, like me, feel that the internet just doesn't have nearly enough comics about monsters. With the added bonus of a tenuous, almost coincidental link to an award of some sort.

It even said at the bottom of the strip 'Based on a story and character from "Dreams in Synergy"'. As if that wasn't already blatantly obvious. Maybe I'm getting this all wrong. Maybe she just wanted to present the award in the best possible way. She took her character and her bat-monster and made a whole new strip, just for the WCCA's. And set it in a subway tunnel. I don't get it. Maybe if the bat monster had flown in with the envelope or something then I might be able to see where she was going with this. Maybe some red carpet on the floor. Anything.

And what about the guy who presented the award before our Jess? This weird guy who keeps morphing into different shapes is struggling to put up a poster on his wall and so decides to call each one of the 'Outstanding New Character Design' nominees to ask them how it's done. It's the same thing as before. Perhaps made worse by the fact that most of the time he uses the power of his mind to hold the phone.

I don't care if I ever get nominated for one of these awards but I would love the opportunity to make one of these award presentation strips. Seriously, WCCA guys, if you're reading this pick me next year. I'll make it funny, I won't make it a shameless plug for the Fourth Floor site and I'll actually set it at an awards ceremony!

I'm, uh, I'm starting to suspect that Jess Calcaben could be a dude, judging from this (ahem) strip. Now I think about it, isn't there a male character in a US TV show or film called Jess or Jessie? Well, in that case someone should tell him he has a girl's name. In every country other than the one where you can be named after a season, it's short for Jessica. Pfft, 'Jess'. Dude.

Just to Clarify at This Point

Posted 02:00, Tuesday 25th July 2006

You guys are aware that Life on the Fourth Floor is a comedy site, right? The strip is not to be taken seriously and neither are the news posts. The purpose is merely to entertain rather than to hurt. I think I might have got my first hate mail today. The insults therein were carefully concealed but I think I genuinely hurt this guy Phil's feelings.

He sent me an e-mail commenting on my lack of tact and sensitivity in the last post about the WCCA presentations. It made me seriously think about what I write here for once. Until now I wasn't aware that anybody actually read this stuff or that it matters in the slightest to them.

I don't want to have to punctuate every sentences with smiley faces made from colons and brackets and I don't want to have to put 'just kidding!' in parentheses after every paragraph, either. So I just want to get this straight now, once and for all.

I do not take myself or anything in this world seriously. There is nothing I will not make jokes about. You should not take me at all seriously. I'm a putz. My comic and my opinions are silly. Don't get upset. I love you, Phil.

Jess, I don't think you have a girly name. I was just kidding. I think your picture of a 'screaming and glowing creature' was very good and looked nothing like a pink bat. I just said that because I wanted to sound like a tough guy. I was just kidding. I do not think that choosing your own unorthodox way of presenting an award is a travesty. The seas have yet to boil and the sky has not fallen. I was just kidding. Weird guy from Horribleville.com, whilst I may not agree with your drawing style I will defend to the death your right to draw in it. I was just kidding.

This could go on for some time. You get the picture. If anyone else feels saddened and ashamed by my news post from Thursday, I'll take it down or distribute smiley faces accordingly. :)

By the way, that thing where I claim to be the funniest comic with 'floor' in the title is also a joke. I think 7th Floor and The Floor is Lava are much funnier than my strip and I read them every day. I sometimes wake up weeping because I want to read more of those strips but the artists haven't updated yet.

That last sentence wasn't true. That was also a joke. As a man I am incapable of crying. That isn't true either, that was also a joke. And 7th Floor hasn't updated since 2002.

Seriously, I could do this all day. Just kidding.

Woo-hoo! I'm An Asshole!

Posted 17:01 (GMT) 12th October 2007

I did something I've never done before today and did a Google search for my URL to see if anyone had been linking to me.

Well, I found something. This is kind of unbelievable.

Long-time readers might remember I made a fairly mean post about one of the WCCA presentations (for people with a taste for venom here's a link - I hope you like scrolling). The WCCAs are one of those things which is really good because it's drawn by the webcomics community and really bad because it's drawn by the webcomics community - kind of a microcosm of the world of internet comics, really.

Anyway, there was this one guy who I really laid into called Jess Calcaben. He didn't really deserve the attack I dished out but at the time I was pretty much convinced that I was writing into a vacuum and that no-one was reading my posts, certainly not Jess himself. I mean, if a cartoonist runs his mouth off in the woods and nobody hears, is he still an asshole?

Apparently so.

It turns out that even back then when my traffic was a fraction what it is today Jess read my news post and then made a link to it in a forum - which is what my Google search uncovered. Here's the thing: he found it really funny, he understood that I was exaggerating my comments for the purposes of entertainment and he was actually grateful for the publicity! Can you believe that? In his post he quoted extensively from my post and said I made him "laugh [his] ass off".

That's frankly humbling. He's probably reading this right now. In that case, thank-you Jess for being such a good sport. The worst part is I (like a dumbass) thought he was a girl and referred to him as 'she' the whole time. When I realised my mistake I didn't correct it - I thought it would be funny. Then I made fun of his name. God, I am an asshole! What does this guy do? He laughs it off and accepts the traffic!

I don't think I've ever written anything quite as bad as that post since. (Although I came close once - did you hear what they said about me on the Misfile forums? Ouch.) Ironically, my meanest moment was an attack on someone who deserved it the least.

So, to alleviate my karmic debt, allow me to present to you Dreams in Synergy by the Jess Calcaben. Read it, enjoy it, drink it in. And most of all tell all your friends about this top-quality webcomic. It's not my cup of tea but it's a horror comic and I'm a total pussy. I'm sure you guys will love it. (P.S. It's not safe for work or for young 'uns so put the kids to bed).

Anyway, more on this forum thing. The other posters weren't quite as charitable as my man Jess. Some of them were downright vicious and that's why I'm not posting a link to this page - there was a lot of stuff about my choice of genre and my writing which wasn't really relevant to what I had to say about the WCCA artists. I suppose you could find it yourself if you wanted to so here's the best part to save you the hassle:

"There is more to comics, and amazingly webcomics, than a group of twentysomethings living together and attempting to be funny...not everything is about friends living together and the random family guy-esque [sic] humour."

Woo-hoo! I'm mediocre! I know I should be offended but, well, that guy compared me to Family Guy. How awesome is that? I love Family Guy! I mean, he obviously thought he was paying me an insult but the fact that he read what I had to say and thought it was important enough to write about makes me feel really toasty inside. He's totally right of course, there is more to comics. But I've never wanted to shatter epochs or redefine genres. All I ever wanted was to make an averagely intelligent situation comedy constituting a cross between Family Guy and Friends and for someone to look at what I had achieved and actually give a damn. This forum guy will never know it but he actually made all my dreams come true in one go (or even in synergy).

He also wrote that I'm "obviously an asshole". What can I say? Everyone loves an asshole. I'm so happy right now.

EDIT:

Posted 06:32, Sunday 28th February 2012

No they don't. No I wasn't.

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