Life on the Fourth Floor


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They Don't Look a Thing Like Onions

Posted 19:05 (GMT) 22nd February 2007

What the hell is up with those Subway adverts? I doubt anyone from the company will read this. Then again, there was a time when I didn't think anyone read this and that ended up biting me in the ass. The fact is people read the news posts now, probably since I got rid of the palm trees. Who knows? There might be someone from Subway reading this right now. If so, this is for you and only you, sir:

What in the name of sweet heavenly Christ were you thinking, man? Seriously!

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about (and I admit I am being deliberately oblique), here's a link to the ad. Of course, we all know that a Youtube link is soon a dead link so I'll describe for the benefit of future generations what I will henceforth call the scariest 30 seconds of my life.

Some guy in a suit who looks like he may well be called Brian is in Subway, ordering himself a delicious sandwich. Meanwhile a dementedly cheery disembodied voice informs us of the excellent value sub of the day and of Brian's ability to choose what goes inside such a sandwich. To demonstrate this, Brian is asked if he wants red onion in his sandwich (by a sandwich vendor who feels the need to rakishly raise an eyebrow and grin smugly whilst posing the question) but he declines. That's right, no onion for Brian - he's in control. He's calling the shots for once. He's the king. But things take a darker turn as Brian walks out of the shop. Voice-over explains that choosing your own sandwich filling means "No surprises". And then, bafflingly, Brian walks down a dark alley. Then, from the shadows emerge two hideous creatures with bloated swollen faces, beady yellow eyes, pug noses and high-pitched voices. They have legs but no arms.

They open their twisted mouths and say: "Hello Brian. You've been a naughty boy," and "We can make you cry."

From this we can infer the following:

1. That the man is indeed called Brian.

2. That these abominations intend to rape Brian.

Fortunately for Brian, the Subway guy appears and, with a nonchalant toss of his head, urges the creatures on. They run away, stumbling over their fat ungainly bodies. Brian smiles like a man who's just worked out how to give himself a blow job and, in one motion, turns to leave and bites into his sandwich simultaneously - a manoeuvre which must have taken about eight takes and is in itself almost as frightening as the hideous purple creatures.

And that's the end of the advert. And whatever comes on after it, be it another advertisement or the second half of Die Hard, it won't register because you will be staring open-mouthed into nothing, the dark silence of the void consuming your every thought. Don't worry, I'm here for you. I'm just not sure where to begin.

Okay, let's start with the deformed monsters. I've since learnt from my own research that these demented forms are supposed to be red onions - the very red onions Brian refused to have in his sandwich. The reason why they want to rape Brian is because he didn't want to eat them. That's pretty dumb for a start. Wouldn't they be grateful Brian didn't eat them? What about all the other shit Brian didn't put in the sandwich - does that have its own tormented manifestation? Anyway, none of this is made explicit in the script. All the onions say is "You've been a naughty boy," but for all we know Brian owes them money. Maybe the explanation was too stupid to put into words. They are annoyed because he doesn't want to eat them. Yes, that is too stupid. What else is stupid here?

How about the fact that they never ask you if you want red onions? Whenever I ask for red onion in my sandwich they always look at me like I'm a crazy person and repeat it back to me, like they didn't even know that was an option. They'll always ask if you want extra cheese for 40p or some other shit that will cost you money. They pile lettuce on your bread whether you want it or not. They expect lettuce. The red onion is neglected. I suppose there aren't that many takers - well, now there's going to be one less. I'm never going to eat another red onion in my life. I can't look at those things without imagining hideous faces on them. Does that mean I will be attacked by giant vegetables next time I walk out of a Subway? That's what Subway wants me to take away from this, it seems.

And what's this "no surprises" bull shit. When have you ever been surprised by fast food? Ever? Nobody bites into a Big Mac and exclaims "Holy shit, there's pickle in here!" You don't need to sell the benefits of getting to make my own sandwich in-store to me, especially not by creating imaginary virtues like "no surprises". It's not like other sandwiches have broken glass in them. Also, let's not forget the fact that Brian was jumped by two man-sized pig-faced onions intent on raping him. To what extent is this scenario unsurprising?

What's the message then?

If you eat at Subway for God's sake get red onion?
If you eat at Subway there is a serious risk that you will be violated by bloated vegetable men?
If you are about to be raped by giant vegetables you will invariably be rescued by an employee of Subway?
If the service is slow at Subway, check down dark alleys for A.W.O.L. members of staff, who may be having a crafty smoke or may indeed be rescuing potential rape victims from their cipollan tormentors?

Does this rescue policy extend to all forms of attack or just those involving enormous onions? More to the point, what is Brian doing down that alley in the first place? What, was that the quickest way back to work? Who walks straight out of a sandwich shop and turns into a dimly-lit alley full of looming shadows and eerie incidental music? Who? What's he doing there? Is he meeting his drug dealer? Where is the drug dealer? Did the onions eat him? Why is the sandwich guy so unbelievably smug about offering red onion? Does he know something Brian doesn't? It's pretty convenient that he should just show up like that, just as Brian is about to be raped. How did he know to check the nearest alleyway, did his sandwich sense start tingling? He arrives five seconds after the onions appear. That's suspiciously quick, don't you think? I think he's either following Brian around or he's in on it. Yeah, that's it. The onions serve him - he is their dark master. He created these wretched creatures and, with a careless flick of his head, he can call them off. But should he choose not to... well, the less said about that the better.

I hope there is someone from Subway reading this because I want them to know that whilst their sandwiches are delicious, 40p for extra cheese is extortion- I mean their adverts gives me nightmares. Bastards.

Whoever thought "Nothing says fine dining like disfigured root vegetable people" deserves to be kicked to death by a mob of them.

They Don't Look a Thing Like Onions 2: They Don't Look A Thing Like Jalapeños.

Posted 13:34 (GMT) 27th February 2007

Because there is no God, or because there is one but he has abandoned us, Subway have released another advert starring monstrous vegetable creatures harrowing nondescript but religiously smug men. Here's another link and may Heaven help us.

It's essentially the same advert as before: same generic guy, this time un-named. He looks like a Collin. Same proffered vegetable being refused. Same baffling attack by giant vegetables with weird sexual undertones - this time jalapeños. Same relentless stupidity of promoting "no surprises" in a world inhabited by humanoid food. Same lingering shots of sandwich fillings (something I didn't mention before) culminating almost pornographically in a tomato flying in from a great height and bouncing off some lettuce. However, there are some subtle changes worthy of note.

Gone is the smug sandwich man who grins like a minor villain in a Bond movie and rakishly raises an eyebrow when offering onions. He has been replaced by an unrealistically attractive woman with red lipstick who has two shots, both strangely sexual: one lasts a split second and shows her looking down, then looking up again and smiling coquettishly, her mouth half open - like she's just noticed Collin has an erection. The other shot is of her demurely asking if Collin wants jalapeños, her tentative tone making it sound like some weird sexual euphemism. Play the video back and see for yourself. Imagine her disappointment when Collin turns down her offer with a barely-concealed grimace. She's obviously not his type.

This time, it's in a mutli-storey car park where the confrontation occurs. Collin gets into his car to find two giant jalapeño creatures in the back seat. How they got in there is never explained, which confirms my previous suspicion that these things can just appear from nowhere. Before he realises there are vegetables in his car, Collin does a strange thing. He sits down in the driver's seat, pulls out the sandwich and exhales with this expression of intense anticipation. Again, there's something sexual happening here that I can't quite put my finger on. He looks as if he's about to start talking to the sandwich. Anyway, his reverie is interrupted by this utterance from one of the vegetables:

"You don't like spicy? Say hello to my little friend." The other one just snarls.

That proves it. The implied sexual abuse from the previous advert wasn't just accidental. "You've been a naughty boy" can be read two ways - I just assumed it was meant sexually, but it was ambiguous and there wasn't enough evidence to be sure. "Say hello to my little friend" can only be taken one way (no pun intended). The jalapeño men are going to rape Collin. As before, their motivation isn't exactly clear but apparently they want to be eaten... either in the literal sense or the Shawshank Redemption sense, they don't care.

As before, Collin is rescued by the sandwich lady whose obscure sexual advances he spurned (which proves that for every Subway customer there is a Subway employee following them around), the jalapeños take flight and then comes the money shot: Collin bites into his sandwich. I said of Brian in the last advert that he looks like a man about to fellate himself. Collin's expression is more voyeuristic but equally unnerving. As my friend remarked, he looks like he's watching the world's best porn. I couldn't have put it better myself.

What have we learnt from all this? That Subway like scaring children, that sandwich women are desperately trying to seduce their customers using only innocuous questions, that tomatoes and lettuce like to bounce off each other and that men are sexually aroused by the sight of cowardly vegetables running away. Expect to see a smug man called Dave surprised in a cellar by disgruntled black olives asking him why he didn't want to swallow them soon.

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